Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Rag and Bone

Well what a turbulent month - so many have left the Parish and new faces are beginning to show. There is a new family in the Solomon’s house, however, the Australians seems to have lost the key to theirs and so nobody can get in. Right now they all seem to be hanging around outside waiting for a couple of local “corner kids” that were expelled to somehow break them in. Sounds, a bit dangerous to me, these stop-out types - one never knows what they are up to.


So given the chaos in the houses I thought this might be a good time to reflect on some of the other colourful members of our parish society. Today I thought, we should highlight the excellent charitable work of the “rag and bone” men. The fine folk who help us to get rid of our old ways, customs and assets and provide us with new ones that are just as good and at bargain prices. They remind us every day how much better off we would be if we did not trade with them and only ourselves – how else would we know about all the amazing miraculous things outside the Parish?

Everybody has to get modern - it’s the fashion! Even the “rag and bone” men are cleverly marketing themselves and getting modern – apparently the rage now is to say “rag and bone AID” to make it clear how much they help us all. Brilliant, amazing, the amount of clarity that the word AID apparently brings. I have no idea but apparently it is brilliant, everybody says so!

Yes, whilst it is true they no longer roam the streets in a horse drawn wagon shouting “new hats for old”, or sell “oils and vapours to cure all ills” .... no now they have the same products but in new sexy packages with amazing names – like SWAp - oooh it is so exciting and mysterious.

There are so many of them these days and they have potions for everything – education, health, you name it! The “rag and bone” Banks even have loans that mysteriously become magic grants – I think they are magic because somehow you still have to pay them back and they are sort of expensive.

Personally, being a member of the Church I believe this may be the work of the devil! I have seen it with my own eyes. Once I saw an illiterate idiot walk into the one side of the rag and bone caravan - a brightly lit machine - and guess what? When he came out the other end he was a super all-knowing consultant! Is this witchcraft, is it natural? My fellow clergy men say these “transformed” ones are the devils spawn.

Still, one should not judge what one does not fully understand. And I guess they do make the parish more colourful with all their bright toys and ‘song and dance’ routines. Sometimes when things are pretty dull around the parish, I must admit I even look forward to their visits!

God bless - till next time

R. Smiley

Friday, August 6, 2010

A Little Drummer Boy Forum-pa-pum-pum

Well what a do! Another month goes by and I write this newsletter from the big parish tee party in Port Vila.


So nice to see everyone, well not everyone mind you but many of the parish. And apparently the heads of every house are discussing terribly, very important matters. Oh yes, very important, so important nobody can actually know what these “matters” are, but we are told they are terribly important.

Yes, in between the tea and cakes I myself have seen people talking with furrowed brows. Bless.

So given all of these very important people I thought that I should dedicate this issue of the newsletter to issues of domestic household management. Many of the households in the parish seem to be interested in the question of how best can a house be managed? Well I don’t know, obviously being a man of the cloth we get our orders from a higher being, so I guess in that sense we are like a communist dictatorship but that sounds wrong?

However, let us not be judgemental and look at the current methods used, for ease I have tried to group the methods by category;

The simple method

The Polynesians have a wonderfully simple way of dealing with the head of household. They don’t bother, the existing monarch decides that you can all vote for him and his family. A great system whereby everybody in the house gets to vote for the incumbent.

The less simple method

The variation to having everybody vote for the incumbent is to have the incumbent vote for everybody. This is the strategy used by our Melanesian brothers. Can be a bit messy from time to time, but allowing others to block vote for you certainly saves the average person a lot of time.

The complicated method

There are off course other models whereby you allow the family to choose the head and then have some uncle or aunt just steal it from him or her – this seems to be the method used in Australia and Fiji.

The very complicated method

Each member of the household is allowed to choose for themselves – a crazy foolish notion that assumes other people in the household have no idea who you voted for. There are claims from the big white house the other side of the pond that this method actually works but there is little evidence of that.

Well, what diversity we have in our parish and we love diversity, well usually – in some streets.

I guess we can all learn something from every household – even though they all have their own methods we should not be so quick to judge. He who casteth the first stone and all that ......

Until next month, god bless the good ship Pacific*

Rev Smiley



*I have been asked by Ms Jillian to clarify that this does not apply to all those who sail in her, especially if they are trying to get into our village under suspicious circumstances – if so she will send them to another street for processing, once she can work out which corner of the Parish will have them

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Welcome

The Pacific Parish Newsletter – By Reverend Smiley Isley


Welcome to the first newsletter for our Parish. I hope you find it useful and informative in terms of events in our village.

This month I would like to welcome Miss Julia. She has moved into the very big Lodge on the hill. It will be nice to have a woman’s touch around the place. All the other big houses in the parish are a bit stuffy. Much like the old gentlemen’s clubs of yesteryear.

It was very sad to see Mr Kevin leave. Still he was very quiet and so we did wonder what he was up to – working like that till late every night. Bless him, no wonder he needed all those solar panels on his roof, burning the midnight oil like that must be expensive!

Well other than the new arrival, life in the Parish has also been progressing. Melanesian Street remains a hot bed of activity. The PNG house seems to be gearing up for a very big party. Apparently they have won the lottery or something and are inviting the whole Parish to come around! Lots of fancy cars driving in and out, although I am not sure why most of the family are still camped out in the garden all day. I think they must have lost their door key as they seem to be standing at the window looking without knowing exactly how to get in. Still it’s a very big garden and everybody is welcome (well except for those West Papuans who I heard crept in without telling anyone).

Things generally in the street are quiet, especially at the house at the end. That used to be a right noisy place, but apparently Uncle Frank doesn’t like noise – especially foreign noise. Now he has taken control and things are very quiet, it is hard to know what is going on. Still Frank has invited all of the Parish to come and visit and apparently he is arranging everything with military precision!

Yes, it is nice to see such welcome. And I am sure eventually Ms. Julia will eventually invite us around to stay at her place. We were sure that nice Mr. Kevin was about to ask us. Mind you the previous occupant, Little Lord Johnny was a bit scary. He thought the house was still the old Manor and that we were his peasants! No wonder nobody wanted to go there.

And speaking of travelling, the folk in Polynesian cul-de-sac are doing a great job of manning the Country Club. Many in the Parish thought this relic from the past was long dead, but apparently it has survived thanks to funds from the former Lord of the Manor.

However, there are rumours that the Country Club is actually inhabited by the ghost of a dead parrot. This parrot used to live in the Manor and so all that can be heard in the now almost empty corridors are echo’s of things that used to be said in the Manor.

Some of the residents have got so scared I hear they have set up their own club in Melanesia Street!

But its ok, the occupants of the Polynesian cul-de-sac, as some of the few people allowed into the Manor and the Lodge, assure us that the parrot is actual voicing independent opinion for the good of the whole Parish. Ah bless them.

It was also good to see the folk from the Micronesian alley. They live so far away sometimes we wonder whether they are even part of the Parish, but we love them and welcome them always. They seemed a little worried though, apparently people having been using their gardens to throw missiles at each other. I think it is those guys from the enormous white house on the end of the big lake. Gosh, it must be scary and I am sure this is something we will raise at the next parish meeting.

I wonder if this has anything to do with the increase in visitors to our lovely parish. I was just saying yesterday to Mr Vladimir and Xi Liu how nice it was to see people from so far away come and visit. It had been such a long time since anybody had come. And it was nice to see them echo the words of other visitors from afar like Mr. Ali Bin Sahid that they has all suddenly discovered what wonderful gardens we had and simply wanted to share their joy with us.

Well, I agree, we do have a lovely parish and so I end this first newsletter on that joyous note – god bless this parish and those who now come and visit.